The Q+M holiday tradition of torturing ourselves with fragrance advertising is in its third year. To commemorate it, the buttholes that make smell-ads decided to prove me totally wrong when I said that the “Scent: The FILM” trend was over. Apparently it was just hiding in an old Fellini film canister that some six-year-old bedazzled.
Hugo Boss – Scent: The Film
Okay, just so that we’re clear right off the top; Hugo Boss was a huge Nazi. Not like, around Nazis, or kind-of-okay-with-Nazis-but-tried-to-stay-out-of-the-way but, you know, all-in Nazi.Given that, I assume “the Scent” they refer too is Nazi, because Hugo Boss still has the Scent. In this “film” some beautiful racists attend a reprogramming seminar where they are issued don’t-be-a-racist-jerk goggles (the latest tech!). Midway through, the the lady Nazi is all, “neh, not really for me.” and bolts. The dude, inches from becoming a decent person, notices the lack of The Scent and chases after her. She nearly gets away, but can’t find the door, because they’re all locked in, because that’s what we do with Nazis. In case you missed it: Hugo Boss was a Nazi.
This is Givenchy’s first appearance on the Holiday oh-god-kill-me-now Fragrance Wrap-up, and we’re excited to have them. Somehow they talked Rooney Mara, the 2nd best Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but tied for number of double-os with the 1st best Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, into stealing some lady’s perfume and pinching off into the metro. We’re calling it “the metro” because French. le Metro? If you haven’t been to Paris, it’s just like New York’s “le Subway,” filled with beautiful people clubbing to the best DJs, and making out with the best mimes. Pizza rat was fake, remember. Club Mime is real.
Paco Rabanne – Pure XS (for her)
Paco Rabanne decided to reprise their 2017 Peepy-Creepy entry with Peepy Creepy 2: It’s Worse this Way. See, Paco, last year it was a young man being peeped-on against his will by some lovely ladies. To fix this, and stay up with the social trends in 2018, they decided to flip that and have the dudes do the peeping. This lady is so used to terrible dudes that she’s booby-trapped (get it!) her entire house just to get to her bedroom without being mobbed by hornbros, who still don’t take the hint and try to steal a peep. Good thing Paco Rabanne’s perfume is actually pepper spray. Come to think of it, this is a pretty good advertisement, for pepper spray.
Versace – Eros Flame
Versace breaks into the how-its-made category for 2018 with this operationally accurate piece. To make the exquisite scent, Versace bottles your tears at the precise moment you realize that someone has stolen all of your furniture. They had originally tried the death of a first-born but people were upset.
Versace – Versace Versace Versace
Stop it – stop it stop it stop it